#relationship #intimacy > [!info] This note is under some heavy construction right now # Levels of Intimacy The number of levels of intimacy and what those levels are is up for debate, but people generally agree that there are levels. It's important for both terms in the [[intimacy equation]] to be satisfied though. If one person is at level 0 and the other is at level 3 then there's an issue with [[attunement]]. What does it mean for [[intimacy]] to have levels? One of the two components of intimacy is [[vulnerability]], which is risky. This is especially useful when troubleshooting a communication problem. Many communication problems stem from communicating at a lower level than is required, because to use the appropriate level feels more emotionally risky. For instance, if you are fighting about taking out the trash but really you want to feel loved and respected you are fighting at level 1 when you should be communicating at level 3. This originally had 5 levels but I decided it was too complicated and simplified it down to three. The actual number of levels and classification of topics matters much less than the concept of levels. I don't expect this classification to be the same for everyone. ## Levels ## Level 0: Logistics This might be taking out the trash, figuring out whether to eat Mexican or Italian tonight, or planning a vacation. If this kind of communication feels spicy, you might actually need to be communicating at a higher level of intimacy, or you might be experiencing [[abuse]]. ## Level 1: External Sources This mainly includes small talk, sharing other peoples' thoughts/opinions, talking about celebrities, etc. While it may not seem very intimate, many people actually never get much further than this level even in lifelong relationships. Opening up to share their inner experience or preferences is just too risky, so they try to communicate their desires by referencing others. ## Level 2: Personal Opinions, Beliefs, Emotions, Experiences This level is sharing our inner experience. [[emotion|Emotions]] are physical sensations in the body that are how we respond to our environment. Many people find it difficult or impossible to even be open to hearing someone else's internal experience. If they hear that someone is experiencing frustration, they may interpet it as a judgement or criticism. It takes a certain level of [[emotional maturity]] to be able to hold space for someone to share their inner experience with [[Neutrality]]. ## Level 3: Feelings, Needs, Hopes, Dreams, Preferences, and Shadow This is the highest level of intimacy because this is the level that gives experience meaning. [[feeling|Feelings]] are the stories that we attach to our [[emotion|emotions]], the "why" of our experience. Our energetic preferences are our highest authority in life. These are always driving our choices, whether consciously or subconsciously. While it may not sound like it's that risky to share a preference for, say, groundedness and peace, there are often consequences to those choices. For me personally it means things like going to bed early, getting up early, and foregoing many social events as a result. I'm claiming my preference for cultivating my preferred internal state over external experiences that other people want. Level 3 is also the highest level of self-intimacy. It's the level where you start owning your own preferences, and making choices based on those preferences, instead of either just reacting to your current state (level 2) or doing what you think you're supposed to be doing or what other people expect (level 1). ## Examples # References [Five levels of intimacy](https://www.familylifecanada.com/blog/the-five-levels-of-intimacy/) [Seven levels of intimacy](https://www.matthewkelly.com/post/the-seven-levels-of-intimacy) [More commentary](https://medium.com/relationship-stories/misunderstanding-intimacy-is-the-biggest-mistake-i-made-in-marriage-c336f604a9b5)