# Needs Based Communication #nvc #relationship ### Basic Technique Needs-based communication is the process of handling emotionally charged (conflict-y) conversation by communicating our [[need|needs]] rather than the strategies for meeting those needs. Similarly, if a partner is requesting or demanding something, we can direct our attention to what it is that they actually [[need]]. Sometimes this might be actually pointing them to the [[needs inventory]] to see if that helps in identifying the immediate need. ### Example Your partner goes on a business trip. You get upset when they text itermittently and ask that they text you every morning and evening which causes some conflict. You might even say "I need you to text me..." but it actually isn't a need, it's a strategy. The underlying need might be needing reassurance, maybe an underlying [[feeling]] of insecurity, and you would like reassurance. By communicating that actual feeling and need your partner has a better understanding of your underlying needs and can turn toward you in a way that goes beyond just technically doing what you asked. One reason this is difficult is because it requires us to go a level deeper in the [[levels of intimacy]]. Asking someone to change their texting behavior is a level 1-3 request, but sharing how we really feel, especially when we feel insecure is a level 4 communication. It comes with a significant amount of risk. It also helps to communication our [[emotion|emotions]] and [[feeling|feelings]] directly and keep the focus on our actual experience ### Presence and Intention Something very important in healthy communication, especially when it is challenging, is to focus on being present with our own experience. Sometimes this means taking a time out to feel that out if we're not clear. It is so easy to get caught up in the moment and find ourselves subconsciously trying to achieve an outcome that is not aligned with our highest good. For example, wanting to punish our partner or act out of a place of pain. When we become conscious and aware of this impulse we can instead choose actions that are wiser and more aligned with our ultimate good. Correct communication is communication that builds connection and [[intimacy]] (also see [[intimacy equation]]). ### Nonviolent Communication Nonviolent Communication (NVC) was coined by Marshall Rosenberg. I don't like NVC because it is overly formulaic, highly technical, and because of its technicality is easy to abuse and weaponize. "Correctness" in communication should not be about the choice of words, but rather the true intent. Nonviolent is also very confusing to most people. Most people immediately assume that it means something along the lines of not yelling.